i've returned home. sort of. i've gone back to wordpress. back to transplantingme.com. part of it is i like wordpress better, and part of it is there's lots of history at transplantingme.

but... i'm not totally leaving here. just refocusing. i've still got plenty of crazy to leak.

saturday morning i got my braces off. and my mouth felt weird. odd. naked. good.

i left the orthodontist office with freshly clean teeth and set out in search of sticky candy, popcorn and peanuts. the things i wasn't supposed to eat, but now could. (okay, so i totally ate popcorn and peanuts with the braces on, but always felt a little naughty doing it. now i could do it with a clear conscience.)

sunday i had a lovely anniversary dinner with the man. made all the more romantic because i wasn't having to dig food out of my braces and make sucking sounds and all that stuff that's really attractive. and then we saw a movie. killers - i enjoyed it, the man didn't so much. but i had more popcorn. cuz i could.

monday i had a great lunch with some great girlfriends (see, i am making progress) and headed home to pick up #2 so i could get to my follow up appointment and #2 could get her braces adjusted. my follow up appointment included getting my retainers. and being the thorough person that i am, i had no idea of what instructions might come with my retainers. like the one that goes wear them 24/7 for 6 months. and after 6 months wear them every night and every other day. and after that. wear them every night for the rest of my life. and i'm fairly certain that the ones made for me are made out of like 7 guage wire. because they are big. i remember making retainers out of paper clips when i was in elementary school - because i thought they were so cool and i had to have me some. turns out, i was wrong.

i am alive and i am well. i'm not taking a personal summer break. the comments and emails asking about me made me feel good. and missed. and that's a really nice feeling. so thank you everyone who inquired. thanks bunches and bunches.

so, what has been up with me? not much. no good excuse for the absence other than i feel sort of like she looks -

she's looking miserable because she was spayed today. i don't have any such excuse.

what's caused me to take this little dip into the summer doldrums? well, i haven't put this into words, because i'm really, really, really trying to be okay with it. but the man and #1 are headed to the states this summer - for a month. the rest of us are staying here. in thailand. the place where we can't buy bras or shoes - both of which i'm in desperate need. (thank God for the internet and the man's willingness to haul my intimate wear back with him.) i've planned a beach vacay for the rest of us - where i'm sure we'll have a great time, but this little get away doesn't happen until the very last week that the men are in the states. so it's still a long haul between now and then. thankfully, the man is in town until they leave. he'll be doing some work for the thai office, but he'll be home every night and weekend (all 2 of them - which is better than none.)

and it seems the rainy season is trying really hard to become official. we've had several days of rain and some lovely cool nights. (75 degrees - that's frigid!) i've actually been sleeping with a blanket. it's very possible that a few nights of not going to bed in wet pajamas will make me a much happier camper.

when we first moved to thailand thailand loved me. big pink puffy heart loved me. and it showed me the love in the most amazing way. not with diamonds nor chocolates nor any of those frivolous things. nope thailand showed me it's love with weightloss. without dieting, without excercise, without even thinking about it. the weight came off. lots of weight. and it was amazing! absolutely amazing.

but alas.

it seems the honeymoon is over. thailand no longer loves me like it used to. and apparently thailand is no longer interested in making the effort. and the weight. well, as they say, what comes down must go up - or something like that. since i've noticed the lack of attention i've been getting from thailand i've turned up the charm. i've done all that i can think of to woo thailand back. (and i have no idea how you woo an entire country, but i've given it my best.) i know that thailand has had some distractions. what with protests and riots and being on the brink of civil war and all. but it's been several days since they broke up the shindig in bangkok, so i've come to the conclusion that this relationship is over. and i'm gonna have to stand on my own two feet and do something myself. (that is if i want something done.)

i'm working on a plan. a plan that i'm certain will involve several steps. the first one is to quit drinking cokes. not too painful. the second one will be to work out. for real. and who knows what steps might follow. we'll see. but please, thailand, can you try to love me just a little. i don't know how much love it will take for

• give up pretty, fancy coffees

to not be one of the steps. but for all that is good and right. please. i'm begging. have a little mercy.

i have nothing worthy of an entire post to write about, but i've still got words i am desperate want to use. so i'm stealing holly's potluck monday idea. and i might steal it every monday. that's for me to know and you to find out. (ok, really i've got no idea.) what's a posting potluck? well, you know how when you go to a potluck dinner and everyone brings a dish that is for the most part absolutely unrelated to any other dish there, but it still tastes good? it's sort of like that. but with random thoughts instead of food. and i'm the only one who contributes.



i sure am. today the temp hit 41, which to my farenheit temperature telling brain sounds lovely. but they use celsius here and that that translates to 107 farenheit. and we have to sleep without aircon. which means i don't sleep. i just sweat. and that is not at all refreshing.







this week dr. google thinks i might be menopausal or possible going through nicotine withdrawal. i'm betting he's wrong on both accounts.







mangosteen, apples, rambuton, onions and a tide to go pen. the tide to go pen is the most valuable.







carnitas, spaghetti or boiled eggs. i also didn't burn a souffle. of course, i didn't make a souffle.




and that's all the random i have to offer.

oh, and this is a bloghop. i'm not exactly sure what that means or how it works, but i'm doing it. and you can, too.

we've now been in thailand coming up on 2 and 1/2 years. and i'm finally ready to invest in something. i've spent the last 18 months being the christian ed. chair at our church. which means i've taken care of children's ministry. in a very mediocre way. it was something i got into spur of the moment like. with no thought given. and seeing as it's an 18 month commitment and i very clearly said "no" when asked if i'd be interested in another term - i'm wrapping that one up and not looking back. so, now it's time for something new. i would love for the next thing to be something i really want to do - you know be a little more intentional about it and less spur of the moment.

i want to be more involved at the kids' school. in the states i was extremely involved and i miss that terribly. i've taken care of this one. i'm going to be the ptg secretary next year. this involved an election - i was unapposed, but still people had to raise their hands and all.

another thing i know i want to do is become more familiar with the local compassion office. i've sent a tentative email to see if there are things i can do there. if we were in the states i would offer to do administrative type things - but here there's the whole language thing. i know they would like me to teach english, but i've given that a try on two occasions and i'm really, really bad at it. i really hope this one works out.

and there is one other thing i'd like to do. there are several orphanages in the area. i'd like to get involved with one. i'd like for the kids to be able to be involved, too. at least #1 and #2. not that i wouldn't like for #3 to be involved, but it's likely that he's too young. so i've put some feelers out on that one, too.

and as i think about this, i'm a little worried. i know three separate things at one time seems alot, in my head i have it all working out. no problems. but it involves setting boundaries. that might be a problem. i'm not good with boundaries. (that's how come we have three dogs.) i have just emailed the ptg president to see exactly what kind of commitment i'm looking at. i don't really think it's too scary, a few meetings and such. in my tentative email to compassion i almost mentioned that i was available 1 morning a week. wishing i had done that. and i've told the orphanage 2 days a week. we're gonna have to work out times and days and such. and seeing as they do have a schedule that the kids are on it might not be too hard to keep it to two days. so, see, it all works out perfectly.

as a general rule, i don't do friendship well. like any rule, there are exceptions, but they are few and far between. i am great at acquaintances. keeping things surface is my forté. see, i sort of keep people at arm's length and i can be a bit prickly - which really gets in the way of getting below the surface.

part of my struggle is that i'm pretty sure i lack the friendship forming gene. i honestly don't get how people become fast friends - and by fast i mean, like, taking less than 4 years - and where i find myself now is a difficult place. and i do mean that literally. because it's a very transient community. people are constantly coming and going. and it's a diverse community. people from all over the world, with different customs, expectations and not to mention languages and accents. it makes it all a bit more difficult. but, i also mean that i'm in a difficult place figuratively. because i've reached the point that i have become fully aware that the root of the problem is me. i've been resistant to putting myself out there - to being vulnerable. and i want to be different. i want to have people (heck, i'd be happy with just a person) that i can be completely me with. that i can laugh with and cry with. that i can share the ups and downs with. i'm tired of being lonely. and i'm tired of wishing and wanting.

and what's really frustrating is that those people. those people who can be friends - really good friends - are right in front of me. and i've made excuses, pushed them away and sabotaged relationships. but it's time for a change. it's time to take control. it's time to mend fences and take risks. i'm not so confident of what the results will be, but i'm willing to give it a go.

the rules:

• simply post a photo of something that makes you wildly happy.

i can do that.

today we, the kids and i that is, head off for a head check. the kids are going to meet with someone while i'm meeting with someone else. and then i get to meet with both of these someones to see what's next.

so far c14 really seems to be doing great. my only concern about him is that he seems to have developed some sort of funky accent. i have a tendency to mimic the accents around me, not intentionally, sometimes i don't even realize i'm doing it and i think he might do the same. it seems that c14 apparently is turning japanese, i think he's turning japanese, i really think so... okay, well, maybe not japanese, but you get the idea. however, i am worried that maybe there is something hovering just under the surface, waiting to break or crack or whatever it's gonna do.

a11 is doing okay at this moment. but that might not be true for the exact moment we walk into the counselor's office or even the exact next moment from this exact moment. things change quickly with her.

s8 hated thailand before he got here and this hasn't really improved at all. he has good moments, but when he's having a bad moment - it's bad. it's heartbreaking.

hopefully today we will get a bit of help. really, i think for the kids someone other than their parents saying this is normal will be very helpful, but also some tools to help process all of this.

bh isn't left out of all this because we think he's doing all that great, he's left out of this fun because he isn't here to participate. he gets back saturday from a two week jaunt to india and singapore. and this time his being gone has been so much better than mongolia. no freak-outs on my part. it has helped that i have had some contact from him, but i think the biggest difference has been that i have been so very busy informing the whole of thailand that i farted.

"you keep using that word. i do not think it means what you think it means." inigo montoya, the princess bride

one of the first phrases i learned to say after i arrived in thailand was "excuse me" or "i'm sorry" and i've said it a lot. everywhere. all over the place. all the time. any time i felt i'd made some sort of error - which, really, was every time i had any reason to interact with anyone. you know, accidentally bump into someone, "excuse me". not moving fast enough to get out of the way, "excuse me" i didn't understand what was said and had no idea how to communicate that? "excuse me". and the list goes on and on. today in language class i learned that i hadn't exactly been saying what i thought i'd been saying. instead i'd been saying, "i farted."

did i mention i've said it a lot?

this is obviously going to be a woe is me, oh my life sucks post. and i'm just gonna tell you in advance that i would appreciate it greatly if you would all post the following in the comments. you can even go a little crazy and adlib, if you like. but i'd really, really like it if it had the same flavor. and then go get your friends to do the same. it would really make me feel better. much better.

"oh, you poor woman. you should just have yourself a good cry. let it all out. he is a bad, bad man. as a matter of fact, he's just awful! oh, and i must say, you're lookin' good, girl! have you lost weight?"

okay, so on with it. the man has taken himself off to ulaanbaatar, mongolia. and gone dark. i haven't heard from him since friday. and he was at his hotel at the time. and he was getting ready to go to dinner. and he said, "i'll skype you after dinner." well, he still must be eating. so i googled the hotel and discovered that they do indeed have free dsl. and i called the hotel, so i know they have a phone system. but there was one thing they didn't have - a reservation for the man. now, i'm sure if something awful had happened to him i would have heard, right? i mean by now, surely i would have heard something. but so far, nada. so i'm assuming he's alright. and thank God nothing bad has happened here since i have absolutely no way to reach him. his sim card doesn't work for his cell. and the real problem in all of this - i have no friends here. i have no one here i can call because i'm having a bad day or because i want to have a conversation with someone who doesn't call me mom. and don't say get out there. do something. this post is not about what i can do or should do... it's about feeling sorry for me - because it's all about me. and just in case you don't feel bad for me just yet, remember, we don't have tv, i mean, we have tv, but we have no satellite, none. and hulu is only available in the states.

where i come from when you're driving down the road and you are trying to switch lanes or make a turn across several lanes of traffic or even make a u-turn it's not uncommon for someone to flash their lights at you. and that flash of headlight has always been - at least to me - goodwill towards fellow man in action. that gentle flash means please turn in front of me, there is plenty of room and if there isn't, well, i don't mind slowing down one bit because the world really is a beautiful place.

it reminds me that people really are good.

they really do want to help.

and they care.

they do.

so picture this, i'm waiting to make a u-turn - cuz you cannot get from point a to point b here without making at least one u-turn - the traffic is somewhat heavy, but i finally get an opening. and this black truck flashes his headlights at me. so naturally, whatever hesitation i might have been feeling evaporated and was replaced with the all to familiar sense of peace and love and everything being right with the world. confidently, i make my u-turn. now, i don't end up in the same lane as this lovely man but all the same i appreciate his generosity. imagine my suprise when a few seconds later (because this guy wasn't really all that close and i didn't need his stinkin' headlight flash to tell me i could go) this guy pulls up beside me and shoots the finger at me, yes, that finger, the naughty finger. and he doesn't just shoot it he waves it all around, crazy like. and he's yelling. and even though my window is up and his window is up i'm pretty sure i can hear what he is saying. cuz he's mad. like rabid dog mad. and he continues this behavior more than a few seconds and has me scared and confused. all sense of normalcy has now been thrown out the window (well, not really, because if i'd been able to throw something out my window he'd've been able to throw something in my window and probably would have.) and this is how i was introduced to the harsh reality that things are different here and not everything is different good some of it is different b.a.d. i have discovered that the headlight flash means something totally different here. it means something more along the lines of stay where you are and don't even think of turning in front of me because i own this lane - this entire lane from here to infinity - and if you do i will make you so sorry you messed with me. no really, that's what it seems to mean here. and my experience with this has left me trusting my fellow driver a little lot less.

what a difference a day makes
twenty-four little hours
brought the sun and the flowers
where there used to be rain

ah, young love. it's here and i'm basking. cuz today, i bought a new friend. a friend with it's very own keeping warm plate. (how many of you have friends with a keeping warm plate? come on, be honest.)

and let me tell you, i know my coffee maker - ask me anything, we have no secrets.

so home i come with my new friend, take her out of the box (do you think coffee makers are hers or hims?), read and follow the instructions. which involve running just water - with no coffee grounds - several times through. and while i'm doing this i get the coffee out and read the instructions on the bag. and discover that as hard as i tried to hide it the other day, i am a wuss. this bag of coffee says...

this coffee maker makes 12 cups so that would be 12 tablespoons, not teaspoons, of coffee for one carafe of coffee!! that's crazy. i can't imagine what i might do with that amount of caffeine coursing through my veins. so, i used the i'm-a-wuss algebraic formula and determined that instead of 12 tablespoons of coffee i should use about 3.5 tablespoons. and how'd that work out for me?

actually, this seems to be the basic need of the human heart in nearly every great crisis - a good hot cup of coffee. ~alexander king

i've been flipping through culture shock! thailand - secretly believing i really don't need this book because i'm so very adaptable - and i came across this...

"thais have a great sense of humour but they don't like sarcasm."

i'm not sure i can survive in a culture that doesn't embrace sarcasm. weird food - no problem, no daisy dukes and bikinis - piece of cake, don't wear my little black dress to a party - can do, but no sarcasm - i won't be able to open my mouth for fear of what might fall out. i have yet to find this in the book, but i'm betting they don't go in for passive aggressiveness, either. this doesn't bode well.

however, i have found something else in the book that gives me a small glimmer of hope.

"one of the most pleasant aspects of thai small talk is the zest for flattery. try to keep your ego within limits when everything about you is being praised."

this doesn't quite make up for the no sarcasm thing, but it's a start...