one is silver and the other gold

as a general rule, i don't do friendship well. like any rule, there are exceptions, but they are few and far between. i am great at acquaintances. keeping things surface is my forté. see, i sort of keep people at arm's length and i can be a bit prickly - which really gets in the way of getting below the surface.

part of my struggle is that i'm pretty sure i lack the friendship forming gene. i honestly don't get how people become fast friends - and by fast i mean, like, taking less than 4 years -
and where i find myself now is a difficult place. and i do mean that literally. because it's a very transient community. people are constantly coming and going. and it's a diverse community. people from all over the world, with different customs, expectations and not to mention languages and accents. it makes it all a bit more difficult. but, i also mean that i'm in a difficult place figuratively. because i've reached the point that i have become fully aware that the root of the problem is me. i've been resistant to putting myself out there - to being vulnerable. and i want to be different. i want to have people (heck, i'd be happy with just a person) that i can be completely me with. that i can laugh with and cry with. that i can share the ups and downs with. i'm tired of being lonely. and i'm tired of wishing and wanting.

and what's really frustrating is that those people. those people who can be friends - really good friends - are right in front of me. and i've made excuses, pushed them away and sabotaged relationships. but it's time for a change. it's time to take control. it's time to mend fences and take risks. i'm not so confident of what the results will be, but i'm willing to give it a go.

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9 comments:

Mom24 said...

Wow, with the exception of the obvious details, I could have written this. Best of luck at changing it.

My Mercurial Nature said...

I have such a difficult time forming friendships, too (the ones that are deep & personal)...but I'm working on letting myself out & others in (very, very, slowly).

skatey katie said...

oh i finally checked my email. who needs email when there's facebook?
i found it strange reading this cos i am the exact opposite, and a few years ago i got really burnt.
so it made me a bit wobbly for a while, but i really can't help myself.
so if by any chance you transplant to new zealand, come over for coffee and candles and a rant and music and chocolate...
sorry i can't offer you a maid X

pilgrimssojourn said...

That's so awesome to realize about yourself. Being vulnerable to others is hard but totally worth it. And as for people you've felt you've pushed away, if they're worth their mettle they'll be ready to welcome you.

Joy said...

Well the good thing is that you want to make a change and are ready to make new friends!
I love your layout. so cute, expecially the handwritten titles over on the side.
Thanks for stopping by my blog and yes, my son is always happy. He is the sweetest little boy, giving kisses all the time.
Looking on your blog so far, I didn't see why you're in Thailand. I'll look around, but I'd love to learn more about that.

leaking crazy said...

thanks guys, i knew i wasn't alone in this struggle. here's to good friends - that we find them and that we don't get burned.

@katie - i think that's what scares me, the getting burned part. but it's time to take the risk!

Danielle said...

I struggle with a lot of things that I recently realized were because of "ME" too. Just acknowledging is huge. It means that we can do something about it!
Good luck!

Sherilyn said...

boy, i feel lucky, 19 years and counting a great lifetime (more to come) friendship.

just think of the layers of discovery.

i know i struggle with who i envision i am vs. who i am. and then who i am changes at times to accommodate certain people in my life. i have been noticing this of myself lately and trying to be who i am always, that is what is difficult for me. i always believed i did this to protect those certain people, but its probably more like i am protecting myself, afraid to reveal all of me bc do not want to be rejected.

Megan said...

It is so nice to know there are others struggling with this as well. I will be praying for you!
Blessings~

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